Probably the most valuable information I gleaned from my Al-Anon meetings was the ability to detach with love.  I get the feeling he is seeing someone else, and in a weird way, I am okay with that.  Funny thing is, I was thinking even when I was with him how much easier it would be for him to let go of me if I set him up with someone else.  Well, he got offended when I would even remotely suggest anything like that.

So now, it is a bit of a relief, I guess.  I am a little sad that it had to end the way it did.  The arguing was horrible, and it was a relief to get away from him.  Towards the end there, just the sound of his voice produced physical symptoms in my body that I am not going to mention here, but that were stress-related and unpleasant, to be certain.

I truly wish him the best.  I want him to be happy and blessed.  At least now, he can be happy with someone else.  I don't know if she will be happy, but I guess that is none of my business.  I am sure he will morph into something perfect for however long he can manage it... and I am free....even if I am NOT divorced yet.  I can sleep through the night now without being awakened to be yelled at.  I don't have to listen to someone harrassing me in a drunken belligerent stupor.  YAY ME!

I see online that the papers the child support enforcement people were trying to serve him since May 19th were finally served as of Friday.  This explains a lot about the way he has been acting (very nasty individual).  Last week, he was telling me flat out that he didn't have money to take our son camping, as he had promised numerous times and broke his promise every time.  My poor son is heartbroken.  I told the narcissist that I wasn't even getting the proper amount of child support, so I couldn't possibly help him.  He said he was paying me "too much child support."  And that is how it is with narcissists.  In their skewed version of how things are, you are not as valuable and deserving and ENTITLED as the narcissist is to anything.  This is not much different before you actually leave the relationship, either, but it is geared to hurt me.  Knowing this helps me to avoid feeling hurt, actually.  Just like I know he would love to flaunt some other woman in my face, like I am nothing and he is everything.  Truth be told, she would have my pity.  I used to be that girl.  

 

But I'm a lot smarter now.  It was not easy to walk away, but I'll tell you, it is the best thing I ever did.  And every time he treats me the way he has been treating me, it reinforces the fact that I made the right decision in walking away.  I did, you know.  I made the right decision.  And whether or not I walk into another relationship or not (leaning towards not, as I am afraid I'll get another dud) is of no consequence, as I am happy in my own skin these days.  I don't need to be "protected" by someone like that!

Or something like that.  Talked to him today.  Evidently he read one of my articles that got published in a local newspaper.   Oops.  Guess it implied I had met someone else.  Funny, I haven't really met anyone else, but I sure want to!  I just haven't trusted anyone (GEE, I wonder WHY!!!). 

So, he is convinced I have met someone else, and he is saying that he will give me a "simplified divorce," and said it was just like I want now.  He is also telling my child that I am not in school at night when I have been taking them over there two nights a week (I am in class for a short time to obtain a license in real estate at this point).  He tells her I am on dates with other men.  I remedied that by showing her the book and all of my notes from class.  But this just goes to show you the tactics of the narcissist!

Well, at any rate, this isn't what I wanted, not exactly.  The heartache of having another failed marriage is staring me in the face again.  This isn't what I wanted.  What I wanted was the person I fell in love with to be capable of loving me back.  And being sincere.  Well, I said repeatedly during the marriage that I would rather be alone.  I guess I got my wish!

While I know he will never admit that he did anything wrong, and now he is dismissing me as insignificant, I also know that I never would have been happy if I had stayed in that relationship, and now I have a chance to meet someone worthwhile.  That does bring some comfort.  Yes, it does.

 

Mr. Wonderful is being awfully nice now.  However, our conversations are limited to the children, thank God!  He was probably told to do that by his lawyer.  I have to say that it makes me suspicious.  

When we were together, he was only nice until he got what he wanted, whatever it was that he was wanting at that particular time.  Then he would morph back into the belligerent drunk...

Have led me to write another article.  The subject of the article is how to recognize and appreciate a nice guy after escaping the clutches of an abusive partner (whether or not he has NPD...).

To read the article, click here.

It is talking about verbal abuse.  But I have realized that many abusers are simply narcissists.  Check it out!  http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/

I also posted another article on hubpages today, which you can access by clicking here.

It was probably put best (unwittingly, as he was not particularly talking about narcissists) by Martin Sculman, in his book Karmic Astrology, when he says, "...the individual has many lessons to learn in the area of partnerships, marriage and cooperation with others....while he may pretend to be a good listener for the sake of society's acceptance, he rarely takes advice given to him...Although he will be the last to admit it openly, he never quite notices others as much as himself.  He has great apprehension about being outdone, and will go out of his way to secure for himself a position where his dominion will not be challenged...this is truly the individual who wishes to be 'King of the Mountain...'

...he never truly sacrifices himself...He can relate to others so long as they don't shackle or bind his sense of freedom...the marriage state is not one that comes easy for him...His karma is to learn consideration for others, for in his desire to be the center of attention he projects himself as more important than he usually is, thereby shutting out the very love he claims he is being denied.  Still, he desires to control others, and in this ability to control he bases his security...[he is] faithful to himself, and therein his allegiance ends."

This is just bits and pieces of one chapter of the book, amazingly this chapter applies to my narcissist (North Node in the Seventh House for anyone else who understands astrology.  I would not be surprised if this was a common placement for narcissists!).

Funny, I still call him "my narcissist," when really, he belongs to nobody.  Hmmm, maybe I will start going with calling him, "my estranged husband!"

This is one of my first articles.  Click here to read it.  It is so important to take care of yourself.  Never put another person before yourself.  You are just as important as the narcissist in your life.  Narcissists tend to drain us of everything we have to give, and they also want anything we try to save for ourselves.  In their eyes, they are entitled to it.  

I am reminded of a joke I once heard from a place I can't remember (may have even been another website?):

How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.  He will hold onto the lightbulb, but the world has to revolve around him.

to just do the best that I can.  To have faith that my needs will be met.  To know that someday, sooner than I think, I will meet the person that is right for me and my children.  To walk away from any situation that becomes unbearable.  My mental and physical faculties depend on it.

Being with a narcissist can break down even the strongest personality.  I was very headstrong coming into this thing.  By the time I left there, I was a nervous wreck, unsure of what I could accomplish in life.  It took two years of Al-Anon (most narcissists are alcoholics, and vice versa) to realize that the situation was beyond my control.  And as long as I were to stay in the situation, my life would be unmanageable.  Walking away was the only solution.  I am worth more than that.  I am important too, and it is imperative that I take care of myself and my own needs.  The narcissist will find another host.  He probably already has.

Narcissists lie.  A lot.  They just can't help themselves.  Sometimes they do it just to see if you will catch them, but usually they do it to impress.  And they are frighteningly good at it. 

Read more.

I read somewhere that narcissists will ignore you or treat you as insignificant as their way of "devaluing" you.  Well, I have noticed this.  Whenever I call the narcissist and try to discuss anything, he interrupts my every sentence, or he simply states he doesn't have time to talk to me.  If he can, he has his mother talk to me instead.  Although it is frustrating when I can't tell him what I need to tell him about our mutual children, I am actually happy not to be arguing with him any more.  Now I send him emails with important information.   If he chooses not to respond or doesn't do what he is supposed to do, then it is his own fault.  YAY, me!

That's what it is when you are in love with a narcissist.  Smoke and Mirrors.  It's the narcissist looking at himself in the mirrors and you smoking a million cigarettes trying to figure out where you went wrong and how to get it back on track.  And they will just let you go ahead and feel that way.  After all, they are perfect, it was YOU who went wrong...

 

Here are some more links to my articles:

KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY

How to Handle Angry People

50 Ways

In the Presence of Love

More to follow!

Being married to a narcissist is a very lonely experience.  I hope to provide here an understanding of the brain of the narcissist, an understanding of why the partner of the narcissist is susceptible to the trap and an escape route.

I have been writing articles on hubpages since I left my husband a few months ago.   Probably the most heartfelt was this one.  Now I have chosen to have a blog, because this disorder is becoming an epidemic.  It has become a mission for me to spread the word as widely as possible.  Let the blogging BEGIN!